All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on Him. He was oppressed and He was afflicted; Yet He did not open His mouth; Like a lamb that is led to slaughter, And like a sheep that is silent before its shearers, So he did not open His mouth. Isaiah 53:6-7
This past week has been draining physically, spiritually, and mentally which is also a reason for my lack of updates. For some reason the joy of going to work vanished this week and was replaced with dread, frustration and hopelessness. Any patience, love, and understanding I thought I once had disappeared and I couldn't help but get upset every time I had to interact with my students. I look at them each day and I'm at a loss of words as to how it is possible that they have learned so little these past three months when I know that their teachers have been working so hard; hopelessness seems to be a very natural and acceptable reaction to this situation and yet I know that this is not the attitude that I should have.
Having this constantly on my mind has understandably affected me physically and mentally but it has also taken a toll on me spiritually. Morning devotions have been difficult and although I attempt to do them, it has been hard to gain anything. When I first came to Houston I guess you could say I felt a sense of renewal in my walk with the Lord because I was in an environment foreign to me. Now that I've gotten "comfortable" I feel that I have begun to plateau again and maybe that feeling of getting nowhere at work has somehow seeped into my spiritual walk.
Isaiah 53 is a rich chapter and we were supposed to study it last week for Bible study but due to some power problems at the meeting place it was cancelled and pushed back to this week. The Lord gave me two weeks to meditate on this chapter and yet I struggled to gain anything deeper. As I listened to the many sharings last night I was touched by the verses above because even through suffering the Lord was quiet. This is not to say that He did not speak but when He did, His words were full of Life and truth. We are all sheep that have gone astray and yet the perfect Lamb is the one who has taken up all the suffering that should befall on us and He did it quietly. My "afflictions" will never measure up to the afflictions that the Lord went through and yet I am unable to be quiet. I may not always be vocal about it...although I admit that I have been this past week...but I am very loud within before the Lord. Many words that I spoke this past week, not just to my students but also to those around me, have not been full of Life but have been filled with myself. I have been unable to remain quiet and because of that unrest the Lord has not been able to speak to me.
The Lord was not a person who stood out in appearance but His life was one of beauty. Many times we look for the Lord in beautiful and attractive things but then we miss out on the true beauty that the Lord wants to show us because we view them as plain or even undesirable. Working at Blackshear is not beautiful or attractive...we are actually unable to find substitute teachers because no one wants to come here...and yet I've realized that the Lord wants to show me something beautiful through this experience. I need to continue to be diligent in the task that He has set before me and I need to be reminded once again that I cannot survive a single moment outside of His presence.
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